Mark Malone's House

Versus Eagles: 1 Drive = 1 TD

I frequent sports blogs on the internet more than anyone.

There's no one more informative than middle-aged men who have been lifelong fans of their favorite hometown team.

That's why I was pumped as shit when I saw Mondesi's House was going to be doing a Steelers preview for the upcoming season.

I'm on dialup internet, because high-speed internet is racist.

My internet service provider suspended my account because I was taking up too much bandwidth when I tried to access Mondesi's Steeler preview.

I visited it on my iPhone.

Weirdly enough, the preview was actually a RE-view.
It mentioned nothing of the upcoming season.
It made 22 references to Bill Cowher, the guy who doesn't even coach the team anymore.

Here's my Steeler preview:

Starting me = 16-0.

Mike Tomlin Knows.

Haha. Don't touch me, dick.

Man, dude, Mike Tomlin's two-a-days are a piece of cake.
Players are whining, the media is talkin about it.
But you know what. Suck my balls.
I was doing two-a-days all off-season, banging Ben's mom twice a day since that Atlanta game last year where I dominated.

Yeah, sorry, Ben. I would've been on the sidelines, making sure you were okay.
But I was too busy cleaning up your mess.

I was watching Sum of all Fears on FX.
During a commercial, I checked Kissing Suzy Kolber on the internet.
My souped-out Firefox browser has 11 tabs open...all of them display that website.

In their Steeler preview, they mention more than once that I should be the starter.
Mark Crappin Twain never possessed that kind of writing ability.

I immediately called Ben so he could check it out.

On his way from the couch to the computer desk, Ben sprained his left knee.

So he sat on the sidelines today while I led the fifth-string offense to 14 TDs against our top defense.
Troy Polamalu was in tears because we were so unstoppable.

Here's me throwing a pass last year when Ben had AIDS one game.

Go Steelers. Make sure you check me out this Sunday when I play in future home, Canton, Ohio.
Since my actual face is made of bronze, they can't have a bust of me ever.

Batch out.

Buzz on your Mom

Just got back from vacation.
Yea right
Real men don't take vacations.

That's what happens when you take vacations.

Anyways,I just got done throwing 600 straight completed passes, when someone sent me the link to The Buzz on the Burgh blog.

I wiped my sweaty balls on my computer screen and walked away.


Batch out.
Peace.

Forgot about Batch

Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say,but nuthin comes out when they move they lips.

Just a buncha of gibberish, and muthafuckas act like they forgot about batch.

I haven't posted in a while man.

I have been too busy watching my great performance against the Dolphins last year.
HA, wow am I awesome.
Thrust into the game, because big fluke had to fake another surgery.
The whole city was bummed because the Mayor died.
What do I do?
Dominate.
The touchdown pass to Health Miller was no question the highlight of the game, and quite honestly one of the best passes ever thrown in Steelers history.
But thats what I do.

So I be browsing the web the other day, inbetween throwing 60 yard truth bombs to my boy Mitch Lyons.

I didn't think there was anything more boring than golf...until I read Mondesi's House post recapping golf.

And after I cleared the feces off my screen, I seen that Peter King posted his top 32 QB's.
I seen this cracka Mondesi's starts crying that his boy Big Choke fell to 17th.
He is clearly a racist like everyone else in this town.

Looking at my stats I am in the top 10 easy.
If coach Cowher had any smarts he'd of left me in all season.
If that happens all them fans would be celebrating another ring.
But that dude is like 1-100 in afc championships games or some shit.

Ya'll don't even know bouts me...


Peace

I Know What You Did Last Summer

June 12,2006
What was Chaz Batch doing?

Running 3,000 sprints.

You know what you were doing:

You drove your motorcycle erratically without any regard for other humans.
You drove your motorcycle without having a license.
You had reconstructive surgery on your face.
You had an excuse for your dismal 2006 "season."

What a performance by Charlie Batch in this game

You can go look it up on PennDOT's website.
I have a license.
I haven't gotten a ticket for 20 years.
I even wear a helmet when I drive my Oldsmobile Alero.

I remember the day well.
I just finished eating some Hot Pockets after taking practice snaps for 4 hours.
I was sitting on my couch when WPXI broke into Judge Judy to deliver the unimaginable news.

This was bigger than 9/11 for me.
When the planes slammed into the towers, I wasn't immediately thrust into the starting quarterback position for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
I think I was in Detroit playing out of my mind.
I am black.
I have a Super Bowl ring.

You're a joke

Bettis Grille

Hey, guys. Sorry I haven't posted in a while.
For some reason, we have to practice in June.

I practiced today, then went home to watch game tape from the Atlanta game and the Miami game from last year.
That Atlanta game was the most entertaining game of the year, but mainstream media doesn't talk about it because they hate black people.
There was only one black guy on Heroes. And he died.
Symone was black. She was dating a heroin addict. She died.

My neighbor's chicken shit on my lawn today. Again.

Speaking of chickens and fat people, The Blob opened up his restaurant today.

I was watching "Speed 2: Cruise Control" when my invite to the grand opening came into my Gmail.

What a scene that was.
I had reservations, but Big Joke walked right in and took my table.

Ben's gay.

Batch Working hard

Charlie Batch was seen working out in the Southside this afternoon.
He ran 16 miles, and then threw 2,000 straight completions to standout reciever Gary Roberts.
After donating blood, and working an eight hour shift at Goodwill.
Batch and Mark Eaton said mass at a local church.



Go Steelers

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

• 11:04 AM -- Woke up. Heated up a Taco Bell CrunchWrap Supreme for breakfast.
• 11:05 -- Ate the Taco Bell CrunchWrap Supreme.
• 11:15 -- Played a game of Madden. Traded himself to a real team and won the Super Bowl twice. He simulated the two seasons. Record: 32-0.
  
• 12:15 PM -- Met Gary Roberts and Mark Eaton for lunch at Arby's.
  
• 12:24 -- Threw a touchdown pass to Andre Hastings.
• 12:34 -- Banged Andre Hasting's wife.
• 1:10 -- Bought 2 for $3 Gatorades at Sunoco on the Boulevard of the Allies.
• 1:15 -- Ran over a pigeon in Schenley Park.
  
• 1:17 -- Plugged his iPod into his car radio.
  
• 1:18 -- Blasts REO Speedwagon's "Roll With The Changes."
• 1:20 -- Has to pull over due to the dominance of the song.
• 1:45 -- Finally recovers from the song and goes to Alan Faneca's house.
• 1:49 -- Batch walks in on Worthlisberger touching Faneca's junk.
• 1:50 -- Worthlisberger says they're practicing snaps.
• 1:51 -- Faneca in the corner, sucking his thumb.
• 1:52 -- Batch remembers that Faneca isn't a center. Batch leaves.
  
• 2:20 -- Batch stops at a red light on Ohio River Boulevard.
• 2:21 -- The light is still red.
• 2:22 -- Still red.
• 2:23 -- Green light.
• 2:33 -- Batch visits BigBenNews.com and wonders why someone would make a site solely devoted to another human being.
• 2:35 -- Batch takes a poop.
• 5:30 -- Batch leaves the bathroom.
• 5:45 -- Meets Gary Roberts and Mark Eaton for dinner at Dave & Buster's.
• 7:30 -- Dave & Buster's declares bankruptcy after the three pillars of excellence rack up 224,00 tickets in one hour.
• 8:30 -- Stops at Chick-Fil-A for a milkshake.
• 9:00 -- Goes to bed.