Mark Malone's House

Versus Eagles: 1 Drive = 1 TD

I frequent sports blogs on the internet more than anyone.

There's no one more informative than middle-aged men who have been lifelong fans of their favorite hometown team.

That's why I was pumped as shit when I saw Mondesi's House was going to be doing a Steelers preview for the upcoming season.

I'm on dialup internet, because high-speed internet is racist.

My internet service provider suspended my account because I was taking up too much bandwidth when I tried to access Mondesi's Steeler preview.

I visited it on my iPhone.

Weirdly enough, the preview was actually a RE-view.
It mentioned nothing of the upcoming season.
It made 22 references to Bill Cowher, the guy who doesn't even coach the team anymore.

Here's my Steeler preview:

Starting me = 16-0.

Mike Tomlin Knows.

Haha. Don't touch me, dick.

Man, dude, Mike Tomlin's two-a-days are a piece of cake.
Players are whining, the media is talkin about it.
But you know what. Suck my balls.
I was doing two-a-days all off-season, banging Ben's mom twice a day since that Atlanta game last year where I dominated.

Yeah, sorry, Ben. I would've been on the sidelines, making sure you were okay.
But I was too busy cleaning up your mess.

I was watching Sum of all Fears on FX.
During a commercial, I checked Kissing Suzy Kolber on the internet.
My souped-out Firefox browser has 11 tabs open...all of them display that website.

In their Steeler preview, they mention more than once that I should be the starter.
Mark Crappin Twain never possessed that kind of writing ability.

I immediately called Ben so he could check it out.

On his way from the couch to the computer desk, Ben sprained his left knee.

So he sat on the sidelines today while I led the fifth-string offense to 14 TDs against our top defense.
Troy Polamalu was in tears because we were so unstoppable.

Here's me throwing a pass last year when Ben had AIDS one game.

Go Steelers. Make sure you check me out this Sunday when I play in future home, Canton, Ohio.
Since my actual face is made of bronze, they can't have a bust of me ever.

Batch out.