Every day I'm naked bootleggin'

Typing this up in a Starbucks, stealing Wi-Fi.  It's the way Charlie Batch has always done it.  I was watching Sherlock with Eddie George Monday night, and Coach gave me a call.  He said, "You're starting this weekend." Oh, shit, son.

Playing QB is like riding a bike.  I'm gonna be throwing bombs on Sunday like I'm in the Gaza Strip.  Actually, me and the crew will be up in Cleveland.  Probably gonna check out that town with that Love Canal thing while we're up there.

Looked in the mirror and thought I was one John Legend-lookin fool.

Christmas comes earlier and earlier every year.  I was at Walmart stocking up on cans of whoop-ass and I heard Greensleeves on the sound system.  That shit is my jam.

Studying up on some Browns game tape today.  We owe them a fall.

I bet the guy who made Yoohoo got sued by his ex-girlfriend because she said Yoohoo to him once while he was trying to come up with the name.  I'd donate half of my game checks for the rest of my career if it meant the Yoohoo guy don't get sued.

Coach wanted me to run through a bunch of spare tires on the practice field.  Batch don't do that shit no more.  I made circles out of all the Hostess cakes I bought when those dudes said they were peacin out and then I ran through those circles.

Speaking of which, who is this Baron Batch idiot.  He came into the locker room, and I was like pay me royalties for putting the Batch name on your jersey.  I ain't putting no "C. Batch" on my jersey.  Mike drop.

Plax may be coming back.  Gonna be just like old times.
batch out.






 

Who dat, who dat

Who dat throwing bombs in Mike Wallace.
It's Batch. It's Batch.

What a game by me.
My first interception was part of the game plan, lulling the Bucajokes into a sense of complacency.

If I played D, guaranteed I would've had a pick.

I'm like a sinus cavity. I'm in your face.

I headed to the locker room before the half was over.
I wasn't hurt.
I just wanted to sign up for Rinko Rumble Fantasy Hockey.

Suck it

Got a new e-mail address: allidoiswingames@excite.com

W

Bomb Alert

I told Byron before the game to break a leg.

I don't read my own press, so I don't even know what Omar Epps is gonna do about the starting QB role. I went 3 for 4 last night for 10 yards. That translates to 75 out of 100 for 250 yards. Find me one coach in the NFL that doesn't want that kind of production on Sunday. Here are some of my bombs:

My first career pass. in your mouth.


I have more game than Nintendo.


Probably the best game you ever watched.
Who we play in Week 1 this year again?


What a pass.
YouTube can't handle the bomb I threw to Heath Miller against the Dolphins.

So people are saying that I get hurt a lot. That has nothing to do with me starting.
Play me until I get hurt. Surround me with talent so I don't get hurt.

Batch out.

Frost-brewed Batch Light

What's up, jokes. Been like a year since I made a post. I've been busy not raping people. Hide your kids, hide you wife, hide your husbands, 'cause Batch is throwing TDs out here. What a game for me.

The talking heads back in Joketown are all talking about Dixon vs. Leftwich. More like Dick's in Leftpicksix. Guaranteed: Go down to PF Chang's on the Waterfront, and they have pictures of me everywhere. I'm not even Chinese.

So, yeah, I threw that pick last night. Big deal. Wasn't my fault. The dude who took it to the house has an apostrophe in his first name. No one with a first name like that has ever done anything significant. This time next week, Sha'Quan Johnson will be dressing up like that cow outside of Chik-Fil-A.

Me? I'll be just going to work, throwing bombs like Hiroshima.

Fowl Bowl

Hey homos. This is a press release. I'm organizing the inaugural Fowl Bowl.

Chickens will be fighting other chickens.

It is tentatively scheduled for early September in the parking lot of that Boston Market across the street from South Hills Village.

I don't even know anyone who's ever been to a Boston Market restaurant.

Is it even a restaurant? It just seems like a franchised deli.

Check that out. Game #16. I come in, throw one pass. Touchdown.

It was like in Rudy where they run the option play that pisses the henchman from Richie Rich off because they want Rudy to take a snap on defense.

Cash For Backup QBs

Just got back from Day 2 of Steelers training camp. Maybe it was Day 3. I don't even know what day it is. I never sleep.
Tomorrow is Wednesday, so that's free shit at Arby's.

I was just watching game tape from that game up in Green Bay during the Super Bowl XL run.
All I see is a W in the Result column.


I was 3-0.
What happens when Big Joke comes back? He leads my team on a 0-3 run. And it's not a coincidence that the team started winning again when NFC Central teams were in our path. I was in that division for 20 years. I was pulling the strings with my leadership.


Since Vick was in jail, I've become the best black QB in the NFL, probably the world.

I'm starting a cockfighting ring. I won't be stupid and make it public knowledge on the internet and shit.
This is gonna be low-key. I held my first match last night.


Marty the Chicken of Pensblog fame. Pensblog sucks.


Marty went talon-to-talon with Jerry "The Beast" Feast.

After three rounds, it went to the cards. Marty squeaked by with a split-decision.
Jerry was pissed.

Hey, check out this sweet video of some hot chicks.

Fags. You just got BatchRoll'd.
Batch out.

Batch Attack Is Back

Yo, what's up. I was injured last season. So I invented Twitter.

It feels good to be back on the football field again, even though it's hot as balls in Latrobe. It didn't help matters none when I was given control of the offense and the atmospheric temperature worldwide went up 0.7 degrees. It ain't global warming. It's me running a two-minute drill.

President Obama called me after the practice to congratulate me.
Black is thicker than blood.

That's a big contract you have, Heath.
The longest reception of your career? 86 yards for a TD.
Don't forget who threw you the rock.


six

Coach Mike Tomlin has been glancing at me knowingly the past couple days.
He knows the first couple years of Ben's career have been a fluke.
Black is thicker than blood.


Finally, I wanted to address the current eBay squabble. If you're buying a Charlie Batch autographed headset-and-clipboard combo, make sure you get a certificate of authenticity with that shit.

Batch out.

Back To Work

Man, it has been a while.

It is good to be back.

I am battling some joke for a spot.

I should be the starter.

I have some news for ya'll.

We signed a new punter today.

His name is "Charlito"


He said he is good with balls.


Peace

Big Joke

Mark Malone's House

Versus Eagles: 1 Drive = 1 TD

I frequent sports blogs on the internet more than anyone.

There's no one more informative than middle-aged men who have been lifelong fans of their favorite hometown team.

That's why I was pumped as shit when I saw Mondesi's House was going to be doing a Steelers preview for the upcoming season.

I'm on dialup internet, because high-speed internet is racist.

My internet service provider suspended my account because I was taking up too much bandwidth when I tried to access Mondesi's Steeler preview.

I visited it on my iPhone.

Weirdly enough, the preview was actually a RE-view.
It mentioned nothing of the upcoming season.
It made 22 references to Bill Cowher, the guy who doesn't even coach the team anymore.

Here's my Steeler preview:

Starting me = 16-0.

Mike Tomlin Knows.

Haha. Don't touch me, dick.

Man, dude, Mike Tomlin's two-a-days are a piece of cake.
Players are whining, the media is talkin about it.
But you know what. Suck my balls.
I was doing two-a-days all off-season, banging Ben's mom twice a day since that Atlanta game last year where I dominated.

Yeah, sorry, Ben. I would've been on the sidelines, making sure you were okay.
But I was too busy cleaning up your mess.

I was watching Sum of all Fears on FX.
During a commercial, I checked Kissing Suzy Kolber on the internet.
My souped-out Firefox browser has 11 tabs open...all of them display that website.

In their Steeler preview, they mention more than once that I should be the starter.
Mark Crappin Twain never possessed that kind of writing ability.

I immediately called Ben so he could check it out.

On his way from the couch to the computer desk, Ben sprained his left knee.

So he sat on the sidelines today while I led the fifth-string offense to 14 TDs against our top defense.
Troy Polamalu was in tears because we were so unstoppable.

Here's me throwing a pass last year when Ben had AIDS one game.

Go Steelers. Make sure you check me out this Sunday when I play in future home, Canton, Ohio.
Since my actual face is made of bronze, they can't have a bust of me ever.

Batch out.

Buzz on your Mom

Just got back from vacation.
Yea right
Real men don't take vacations.

That's what happens when you take vacations.

Anyways,I just got done throwing 600 straight completed passes, when someone sent me the link to The Buzz on the Burgh blog.

I wiped my sweaty balls on my computer screen and walked away.


Batch out.
Peace.

Forgot about Batch

Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say,but nuthin comes out when they move they lips.

Just a buncha of gibberish, and muthafuckas act like they forgot about batch.

I haven't posted in a while man.

I have been too busy watching my great performance against the Dolphins last year.
HA, wow am I awesome.
Thrust into the game, because big fluke had to fake another surgery.
The whole city was bummed because the Mayor died.
What do I do?
Dominate.
The touchdown pass to Health Miller was no question the highlight of the game, and quite honestly one of the best passes ever thrown in Steelers history.
But thats what I do.

So I be browsing the web the other day, inbetween throwing 60 yard truth bombs to my boy Mitch Lyons.

I didn't think there was anything more boring than golf...until I read Mondesi's House post recapping golf.

And after I cleared the feces off my screen, I seen that Peter King posted his top 32 QB's.
I seen this cracka Mondesi's starts crying that his boy Big Choke fell to 17th.
He is clearly a racist like everyone else in this town.

Looking at my stats I am in the top 10 easy.
If coach Cowher had any smarts he'd of left me in all season.
If that happens all them fans would be celebrating another ring.
But that dude is like 1-100 in afc championships games or some shit.

Ya'll don't even know bouts me...


Peace

I Know What You Did Last Summer

June 12,2006
What was Chaz Batch doing?

Running 3,000 sprints.

You know what you were doing:

You drove your motorcycle erratically without any regard for other humans.
You drove your motorcycle without having a license.
You had reconstructive surgery on your face.
You had an excuse for your dismal 2006 "season."

What a performance by Charlie Batch in this game

You can go look it up on PennDOT's website.
I have a license.
I haven't gotten a ticket for 20 years.
I even wear a helmet when I drive my Oldsmobile Alero.

I remember the day well.
I just finished eating some Hot Pockets after taking practice snaps for 4 hours.
I was sitting on my couch when WPXI broke into Judge Judy to deliver the unimaginable news.

This was bigger than 9/11 for me.
When the planes slammed into the towers, I wasn't immediately thrust into the starting quarterback position for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
I think I was in Detroit playing out of my mind.
I am black.
I have a Super Bowl ring.

You're a joke

Bettis Grille

Hey, guys. Sorry I haven't posted in a while.
For some reason, we have to practice in June.

I practiced today, then went home to watch game tape from the Atlanta game and the Miami game from last year.
That Atlanta game was the most entertaining game of the year, but mainstream media doesn't talk about it because they hate black people.
There was only one black guy on Heroes. And he died.
Symone was black. She was dating a heroin addict. She died.

My neighbor's chicken shit on my lawn today. Again.

Speaking of chickens and fat people, The Blob opened up his restaurant today.

I was watching "Speed 2: Cruise Control" when my invite to the grand opening came into my Gmail.

What a scene that was.
I had reservations, but Big Joke walked right in and took my table.

Ben's gay.

Batch Working hard

Charlie Batch was seen working out in the Southside this afternoon.
He ran 16 miles, and then threw 2,000 straight completions to standout reciever Gary Roberts.
After donating blood, and working an eight hour shift at Goodwill.
Batch and Mark Eaton said mass at a local church.



Go Steelers

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

• 11:04 AM -- Woke up. Heated up a Taco Bell CrunchWrap Supreme for breakfast.
• 11:05 -- Ate the Taco Bell CrunchWrap Supreme.
• 11:15 -- Played a game of Madden. Traded himself to a real team and won the Super Bowl twice. He simulated the two seasons. Record: 32-0.
  
• 12:15 PM -- Met Gary Roberts and Mark Eaton for lunch at Arby's.
  
• 12:24 -- Threw a touchdown pass to Andre Hastings.
• 12:34 -- Banged Andre Hasting's wife.
• 1:10 -- Bought 2 for $3 Gatorades at Sunoco on the Boulevard of the Allies.
• 1:15 -- Ran over a pigeon in Schenley Park.
  
• 1:17 -- Plugged his iPod into his car radio.
  
• 1:18 -- Blasts REO Speedwagon's "Roll With The Changes."
• 1:20 -- Has to pull over due to the dominance of the song.
• 1:45 -- Finally recovers from the song and goes to Alan Faneca's house.
• 1:49 -- Batch walks in on Worthlisberger touching Faneca's junk.
• 1:50 -- Worthlisberger says they're practicing snaps.
• 1:51 -- Faneca in the corner, sucking his thumb.
• 1:52 -- Batch remembers that Faneca isn't a center. Batch leaves.
  
• 2:20 -- Batch stops at a red light on Ohio River Boulevard.
• 2:21 -- The light is still red.
• 2:22 -- Still red.
• 2:23 -- Green light.
• 2:33 -- Batch visits BigBenNews.com and wonders why someone would make a site solely devoted to another human being.
• 2:35 -- Batch takes a poop.
• 5:30 -- Batch leaves the bathroom.
• 5:45 -- Meets Gary Roberts and Mark Eaton for dinner at Dave & Buster's.
• 7:30 -- Dave & Buster's declares bankruptcy after the three pillars of excellence rack up 224,00 tickets in one hour.
• 8:30 -- Stops at Chick-Fil-A for a milkshake.
• 9:00 -- Goes to bed.